ohisms:

*  JOHN  MULANEY ;  THE  COMEBACK  KID.

_{❛  we’ve all gone too big too fast and then run out of the room.  ❜
❛  block letters and cursive look good together!  ❜
❛  yeah, but the past is the past.  ❜
❛  i mean we’re all violent here, but you’re very friendly.  ❜
❛  i don’t give off that vibe.  ❜
❛  you could pour soup in my lap and i’ll probably apologize to you.  ❜
❛  i’m so open and vulnerable.  ❜
❛  i love saying “my wife”, it sounds so adult.  ❜
❛  marriage is gonna be very magical.  ❜
❛  ooh, who’s that fella? i bet he did kill his wife.  ❜
❛  how could another person kill someone?  ❜
❛  i’m not gonna do it, but i totally get it.  ❜
❛  it’s creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly.  ❜
❛  anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents has to die.  ❜
❛  that’s not even a situation.  ❜
❛  hey, you seen any loose milk?  ❜
❛  i don’t know if you can tell that from the… everything about me.  ❜
❛  … and a hush falls over the room.  ❜
❛  isn’t it weird how that became a scandalous thing?  ❜
❛  it was just some boring shit i had to do on weekends.  ❜
❛  aw, she’s ugly!  ❜
❛  wouldn’t you give like a million dollars to see that wedding video?  ❜
❛  ‘cause you know how you lie to your parents?  ❜
❛  what? huh? what? when? when?  ❜
❛  let’s see, what problems can we solve?  ❜
❛  that’s not how you talk.  ❜
❛  let’s change it to trick ___.  ❜
❛  it’s like having a baby that’s also a grandma.  ❜
❛  oh, the things i have seen, you cocksucker.  ❜
❛  ___  is my best friend in the world, i give her a million kisses a day.  ❜
❛  you are no longer the alpha of the house.  ❜
❛  look upon your sovereign,  ___,  and  tremble!  ❜
❛  it’s haunted, but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash.  ❜
❛  i love real estate agents. i mean, they are the true heroes.  ❜
❛  it was like hanging out with my mom.  ❜
❛  they always have that ‘fun mom’ energy.  ❜
❛  so, there’s no toilets.  ❜
❛  well yeah, that’s how all of life works.  ❜
❛  this is an on – fire garbage can.  ❜
❛  this is an on – fire garbage can. could be a nursery.  ❜
❛  sometimes babies will point at me, and i don’t care for that shit at all.  ❜
❛  you’re never too young to learn our national no – snitching policy.  ❜
❛  fell deadly silent, is what they all did.  ❜
❛  no one wants to applaud the penis of a 32 – year old weirdo.  ❜
❛  i had no supervision when i was a kid.  ❜
❛  i grew up before children were special.  ❜
❛  i’m so horny and angry all the time.  ❜
❛  and i have no outlet for it, so…  eggs.  ❜
❛  i think emily dickinson’s a lesbian.  ❜
❛  you can imagine the kind of stress that i’m under.  ❜
❛  i’m telling you three weeks in advance.  ❜
❛  that’s exactly what you won’t ask.  ❜
❛  and then, he ordered one black coffee for himself, and kept driving.  ❜
❛  in retrospect, that’s the funniest thing i’ve ever seen in my life.  ❜
❛  what do you do to afford v-necks, ___?  ❜
❛  ah, numbers. the letters of math.  ❜
❛  no one look at me or i’ll kill myself.  ❜
❛  thank you, no one will ever see me again!  ❜
❛  who could she have been talking to?  ❜
❛  i need you to believe me.  ❜
❛  one feels like a duck when one is splashing around in all this wet!  ❜
❛  i think about that every goddamn day.  ❜
❛  that’s the wonderful thing about crazy people, you know?  ❜
❛  eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.  ❜
❛  a very upsetting thing to hear, yes?  ❜
❛  if you eat ass and suck enough dick, one day you can sell drugs.  ❜
❛  one black coffee. same motherfucker.  ❜
❛  my feet were not on the ground.  ❜
❛  he never forgets a bitch, ever.  ❜
❛  then it is revealed that she has NO hand.  ❜
❛  you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclaire.  ❜}