not-close-to-straight:

buckyusuallytopstony:

Tony is sick of Pepper picking out his dates for events (“I’m a grown man.” “No strippers.” “Pepper, dancing is an honest job and takes a lot of-“ “Tony.”) and so he does the only rational thing. He gets drunk and orders an online Russian bride. In Natalia’s profile, yes he read it, she says she has a brother that she wants to come with her. When he scrolls to the next picture his brain practically short circuited, because holy shit. Her brother is fucking gorgeous; he’s tall and muscular with stormy, grey eyes and a scowl that makes Tony feel all tingly inside. He’s probably not really her brother and it’s just a scheme for Natalia to bring her lover to the states, but Tony doesn’t give a shit. He’d do anything to see that glare in person.

Tony’s never made a payment faster in his life than he did now (he’ll worry about making getting them permanent visas later).

Natalia is thrilled with the entire arrangement.

Tony makes it perfectly obvious that what he REALLY needs is Pepper approved companionship to various events, and Natasha is gorgeous and hilarious in a “I might actually kill you” sort of way, and over the course of countless charity events and press conferences with the stunning redhead on his arm, they actually become friends.

Now instead of just Pepper approved companionship, Natasha teaches Tony to cook and they laugh through terrible movies and there’s no photographic proof but they definitely have painted each other nails.

Bucky on the other hand is silent and sullen and rarely leaves the Tower at all, only speaks in Russian, and watches Tony with the sort of intensity that leaves Tony in a constant state of scare-rousal.

But Tony tries anyway, and when he and Natasha cook he teases and flirts and cajoles until Bucky eats some, and he learns some basic Russian and tries (Terribly) to speak it and Natasha almost falls out of her chair laughing over his just awful accent but Bucky smiles a little over it so Tony keeps trying.

Laundry gets mixed up and Tony ends up wearing one of Buckys shirts and loves it so much he just keeps it? Bucky approves.

Bucky needs chapstick one day and Natasha gives him pale pink gloss and he scowls but puts it on and Tony APPROVES.

Tony can’t sleep and ends up downstairs to watch a movie and completely interrupts Bucky in what is apparently a nighttime ritual of America’s Next Top Model re runs and huge bowls of ice cream.

Bucky wanders into the lab and gives a high girly scream when JARVIS speaks to him and after Tony stops cackling he gives Bucky his own code to the lab.

And then one day, one day when Tony needs Natasha to go with him to some gala, Bucky goes with him instead in some ridiculously fitted tux and his hair pulled back and Tony almost dies.

And that night Bucky walks Tony to his room and taps at his own cheek and very clearly says, “Kiss.”

Tonys never been ordered to give a cheek kiss before but he’s also never had the hots for a terrifying Russian guy, so he puckers up and kisses his cheek.

And then his mouth.

And Bucky probably breaks the door when he pushes it open but whatever.

And Tony has HICKEYS like a mothafucka the next morning but whatever.

And Natasha starts calling Bucky Tonys mail order bride and Bucky puts her in a headlock because that’s what siblings do.