ohisms:

*  JOHN  MULANEY ;  THE  COMEBACK  KID.

_{❛  we’ve all gone too big too fast and then run out of the room.  ❜
❛  block letters and cursive look good together!  ❜
❛  yeah, but the past is the past.  ❜
❛  i mean we’re all violent here, but you’re very friendly.  ❜
❛  i don’t give off that vibe.  ❜
❛  you could pour soup in my lap and i’ll probably apologize to you.  ❜
❛  i’m so open and vulnerable.  ❜
❛  i love saying “my wife”, it sounds so adult.  ❜
❛  marriage is gonna be very magical.  ❜
❛  ooh, who’s that fella? i bet he did kill his wife.  ❜
❛  how could another person kill someone?  ❜
❛  i’m not gonna do it, but i totally get it.  ❜
❛  it’s creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly.  ❜
❛  anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents has to die.  ❜
❛  that’s not even a situation.  ❜
❛  hey, you seen any loose milk?  ❜
❛  i don’t know if you can tell that from the… everything about me.  ❜
❛  … and a hush falls over the room.  ❜
❛  isn’t it weird how that became a scandalous thing?  ❜
❛  it was just some boring shit i had to do on weekends.  ❜
❛  aw, she’s ugly!  ❜
❛  wouldn’t you give like a million dollars to see that wedding video?  ❜
❛  ‘cause you know how you lie to your parents?  ❜
❛  what? huh? what? when? when?  ❜
❛  let’s see, what problems can we solve?  ❜
❛  that’s not how you talk.  ❜
❛  let’s change it to trick ___.  ❜
❛  it’s like having a baby that’s also a grandma.  ❜
❛  oh, the things i have seen, you cocksucker.  ❜
❛  ___  is my best friend in the world, i give her a million kisses a day.  ❜
❛  you are no longer the alpha of the house.  ❜
❛  look upon your sovereign,  ___,  and  tremble!  ❜
❛  it’s haunted, but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash.  ❜
❛  i love real estate agents. i mean, they are the true heroes.  ❜
❛  it was like hanging out with my mom.  ❜
❛  they always have that ‘fun mom’ energy.  ❜
❛  so, there’s no toilets.  ❜
❛  well yeah, that’s how all of life works.  ❜
❛  this is an on – fire garbage can.  ❜
❛  this is an on – fire garbage can. could be a nursery.  ❜
❛  sometimes babies will point at me, and i don’t care for that shit at all.  ❜
❛  you’re never too young to learn our national no – snitching policy.  ❜
❛  fell deadly silent, is what they all did.  ❜
❛  no one wants to applaud the penis of a 32 – year old weirdo.  ❜
❛  i had no supervision when i was a kid.  ❜
❛  i grew up before children were special.  ❜
❛  i’m so horny and angry all the time.  ❜
❛  and i have no outlet for it, so…  eggs.  ❜
❛  i think emily dickinson’s a lesbian.  ❜
❛  you can imagine the kind of stress that i’m under.  ❜
❛  i’m telling you three weeks in advance.  ❜
❛  that’s exactly what you won’t ask.  ❜
❛  and then, he ordered one black coffee for himself, and kept driving.  ❜
❛  in retrospect, that’s the funniest thing i’ve ever seen in my life.  ❜
❛  what do you do to afford v-necks, ___?  ❜
❛  ah, numbers. the letters of math.  ❜
❛  no one look at me or i’ll kill myself.  ❜
❛  thank you, no one will ever see me again!  ❜
❛  who could she have been talking to?  ❜
❛  i need you to believe me.  ❜
❛  one feels like a duck when one is splashing around in all this wet!  ❜
❛  i think about that every goddamn day.  ❜
❛  that’s the wonderful thing about crazy people, you know?  ❜
❛  eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.  ❜
❛  a very upsetting thing to hear, yes?  ❜
❛  if you eat ass and suck enough dick, one day you can sell drugs.  ❜
❛  one black coffee. same motherfucker.  ❜
❛  my feet were not on the ground.  ❜
❛  he never forgets a bitch, ever.  ❜
❛  then it is revealed that she has NO hand.  ❜
❛  you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclaire.  ❜}

whiskeyrpresources:

“Look what you made me did!”

“I said war, not four!”

“Would you like some chicken muffins?”

“Alcohol makes everything better. Drink up.”

“Cats are often good judges of character and mine hates you. What’s that tell you?”

“There is no such thing as too much coffee.”

“If I can’t taste the diabetes, my coffee isn’t sweet enough.”

“If God intended for us to eat a vegan diet, why the hell did he make animals so tasty?”

“You’re going to strangle me? Let me get your step stool first.”

“Uno, Yahtzee, Sorry, Monopoly all have something in common. A marriage has ended over a round of each game that went wrong.”

“That’s no kitty, that’s a demon.”

“The spider’s holding me hostage again!”

“If someone breaks in tonight, it’s been nice knowing you.”

“Your coffee is as dark as your sense of humor.”

“I’m not drunk enough to deal with your bullshit right now.”

musingmemes:

suggestive starters meme ( nsfw )

• why don’t you make me?
• i like you better on your knees.
• i can think of a few ways to shut you up.
• i wonder if you’re as loud in bed as your are everywhere else.
• try and stop me.
• is that a complaint i hear?
• i hope you’re not too fond of that shirt.
• why are you siting over there? there’s a perfectly good lap right here.
• i thought you liked it when i was bossy.
• are you saying this doesn’t turn you on?
• i can tell you’re hot and bothered from all the way over here.
• i hope you don’t plan on walking much tomorrow.
• you’re not the boss of me.
• you’re hot when you’re angry.
• don’t make me come over there.
• i’m this close to taking you over my knee.
• you’re being an awfully bad boy/girl.
• you know you want it.
• you sure talk a big game… but can you live up to it?
• i’m not sure you could handle me.
• is that a challenge?
  

bemamar:

• “Come ooonn, I’m really hungry! You’re the one supposed to feed me.”
• “Do you ever think what it’d be like if we had the same marks? If it were you and me?”
• “Do you love me? And not because you’re supposed to.”
• “Do you think I’ll ever find it? The one with a mark on their arm saying they have to be with me?”
• “Do you think there’s more than one? More than one soulmate for each one?”
• “Do you think sex with a soulmate could ever be better than this? Because I doubt it.”
• “Get out of work? Just tell them your soulmate needs you.”
• “God, I love you so much. I know what I said before, but you’re everything I think about, everything I want, I don’t wanna turn my back on this. I don’t care what a piece of paper says or doesn’t. I’d still want this, you, if it didn’t say a thing.”
• “Hell, no! You get that erased right now! It’s not me!”
• “I can’t believe you’re it. From all the people- You can’t be. I hate you.”
• “I got your letter. I know we never talked before, but you sent your number and… Do you think we can meet? And yes, it’s your name too.”
• “I know I always say I don’t want to know, I don’t want to get it, the marker, but knowing for sure there’s someone out there for you, no matter what… I can’t say it isn’t tempting.”
• “I know you’re horny. I can literally feel it. And it’s not helping me focus at all. So can’t you deal with it?”
• “I know neither of us have markers, but I’m pretty sure they’d be glowing right now if we did.”
• “I know this is not ideal, but I’m willing to try if you are.”
• “I know you’re scared, I’m fucking scared too, but this says we got each other for life, that’s gotta be worth something, right?”
• “I thought I’d never find you. Are you scared?”
• “I’m scared as hell. But I still want to go through with it, I want to be able to prove it to anyone, let’s do this, let’s get the markers.”
• “If I knew sex could be this amazing, I would have searched the name a long time ago.”
• “If someone had warned me I would end up here… I would still have chosen you. I’ll always choose you.”
• “It’s me…? Hell, it’s me. It really is me. You’re ruined.”
• “Look at it! Don’t turn away. Can you see it? It’s a perfect match. I’m sorry if it sucks that it’s me. But it’s true. You can’t run from this.”
• “No! No, it can’t be! That’s not-, no that’s not it… [Name] I can’t be your name… It’s not possible because… You’re not mine.”
• “Our chests might not glow, but I would do anything for you, I’d go anywhere, I love you, and if that’s not soulmate material, than I don’t want to find my soulmate.”
• “Okay, name one time pretending to be soulmates got us in trouble.”
• “Please don’t ask me to leave. I want you so much it hurts. I never thought it could feel like this.”
• “Promise me, promise me you’ll give us a chance before you go and get your mark done. Promise me.”
• “So what? Just because a thing on my wrist glows I’m suddenly supposed to rebuild my whole life around you? Please. You’re fucking insane. This is fucking insane. Get the hell out.”
• “This is just too hard. This soulmate thing. I know they say I’m your only chance. But I can’t do this. I’m sorry. You’re gonna have to find another way. I can’t be your soulmate.”
• “We have to talk… I’ve met him/her. I’ve met the one. I can’t do this, I can’t marry you tomorrow.”
• “We’re done. Mark or not mark. We’re done here. Don’t call me.”
• “What if it never happens to me? Do you ever get scared about it?”
• “What’s wrong?? I could feel in how much pain you were just now. God, I’m still shaking.”
• “Why don’t you ever let me see it? If you have the name already, why can’t you tell me whose is it? I thought we were best friends.”
• “Yes, I’m still scared! What if this is just a mistake? What if it passes someday and you don’t love me for me? What will be left then?”
• “Yes, we’re soulmates! I get it, now shut up and fuck me, because I’m pretty sure it’s one of your duties.”
• “You know, for someone who’s supposed to be my soulmate, you really need a new wardrobe. Or a new whole taste.”
• “You know sometimes, some people, they don’t ever find a match, right? Do you still want to know?”
• “You’re it okay?? I don’t know how, I don’t know why, all I know is that you’re the only one that will do, it hurts like goddamn hell, and I don’t-I just need you to let me in, please.”
• “You’re my soulmate, I don’t need something telling me that.”
• “(Name)? We need to talk… There’s something I have to tell you. Or show you, I guess. Please don’t be mad. I would have never- I’m sorry. But it’s your name. It’s you.”

splattermemes:

as requested by anon. Feel free to change pronouns, lore, or anything else !

Human

• “Oh, bite me. Wait–don’t do that.”
• “Woah, those are some freaky colored contacts/fake fangs/fake bloodstains.”
  
• “Is that why you’ve always been so…weird?”
  
• “I’m not afraid of you.”
  
• “You got a little something on your face there…and hands, and..oh gosh..”
  
• “So…how old are you?”
  

Turning

• “What’s happening to me?!”
  
• “Did you just…bite me?”
  
• “This..hurts…”
  
• “Get away from me!”
  
• “I feel…weirdly stronger…”
  

Newly Turned

• “I’m still not used to this…”
  
• “Being immortal sounds pretty cool.”
  
• “Am I supposed to…kill things?”
  
• “I want cool vampire powers.”
  
• “I can’t believe this actually happened to me.”
  
• “I have so many questions.”
  

Born a Vampire

• “Drinking blood isn’t weird for me.”
  
• “We watch Dracula to make fun of how dumb humans are.”
  
• “You don’t have to drink human blood, dumbass.”
  
• “Someone around here should show you the ropes.”
  
• “I’m actually not that old.”
  

Ancient

• “I’ve lived through hundreds of generations.”
  
• “Doritos are the greatest invention in the history of time.”
  
• “So many people have died in front of my eyes.”
  
• “There’s no such thing as ‘the good old days’. Every time sucks.”
  
• “I wish I could be with you forever.” / “I can’t wait until your ass dies.”
  

Lore

• “I don’t sleep in a coffin.” / “I sleep on silk sheets.”
• “No, we don’t turn into bats.”
• “Are you checking to see if I sparkle? Because I do, with my shining personality.”
• “Most of the crap in movies isn’t true.”
  
• “I’d stay away from anyone that smelled like garlic. So would you, if you’re a reasonable person.”
  

Hungry

• “No matter how much I eat, it’s never enough.”
  
• “You’re bleeding…”
  
• “Go. Now. Before I-”
• “Everyone’s blood smells different. Yours smells like chocolate/dog shit/cheese fries.”
  
• “I shouldn’t have waited this long…”